When Death gets objectified.

I realised this one morning, while taking rounds with my senior colleague. As we talked about all the patients, I realised he skipped one patient in the ICU. And when I asked him, I realised that he had passed away. Which for us was so normal, expected. And without a word we carried on with our rounds. Because after all its a daily affair for us. Death a normally taboo subject, is an objectified for us doctors. We no longer attach much emotion to this. Its like any other event of the day. Unless, we become very attached or have worked very hard to save that patient. But even then if it does affect us, we get over it soon enough. Its a defense mechanism really. And a good one too. Can you imagine,if we let this affect us, we would all be emotional wrecks. As it is suicide rate amongst doctors is very high. But rest assured, I have a barricade against this in my mind. Whether I call it being emotionally strong, or whether I am just plain cold hearted, is a matter of debate, one which I dont intend to get into.

tears to smile interval

I think I have shortest tears to smile interval. Its self explanatory really. I surprise myself sometimes. One moment I am crying my eyes out, and the next, before I know it, I'm smiling and laughing, and the adverse matter has been pushed behind in some remote recess of my mind. I wonder if its a good thing or a bad one? Am I just better at dealing with depression or am I running away from feelings, which will get to me eventually anyway?

I think its more of the former. It helps to forget, rather than dwell on the matter. It helps to be thick skinned. and it helps to be your own healing solution.

NO!!!

NO!!!

Thats as far as i can get to saying no, strongly and vehemently. Its a major drawback. I've gotten myself into many a mess, because of this inability to say no, at the right time and strongly enough.

Its an art, this saying no bit. It comes so easy to some people. So smoothly, they say it. Like its the most natural thing to say, No, you/ I can't do this. Its as if, by default the first answer to any question put to me is, YES, YES , YES...Always yes. And two minutes later, I immediately regret my answer. And then start analyzing and wondering how I can go back and politely say, what I should have in the first place, NO.

I guess it basically stems from this psychotic compulsion of trying to please everyone. Even people who don't matter to me. But ultimately, I am just deceiving them and myself too, by this futile exercise.

So henceforth, NO is the keyword, to being honest, even brutally so.

vanity

Is vanity a good thing or a bad one?

When I see a nice picture of mine, the satisfaction I gain, feels wrong sometimes. But at the same time it does add to my self esteem. It makes me feel good. I love thinking of my positive qualities. It sure beats the depression I tend to sink in, when I feel the opposite.

So considering the alternative, I think in this case, vanity may just save me from low self esteem!

Life in a hospital, my last one year.

Its been eleven months. Cant say they've passed by quickly, or too slowly either. Its been both tough and easy. I've learnt a lot of right, and wrong. But it was a novel experience, literally living IN a hospital 61/2 days of the week!

I remember at the beginning of the year nobody could digest the fact that i would be staying here all day, all night. It was a ridiculous schedule to begin with, being on call all the time. I would get so angry with he question, are you on call today? arre ha baba, i am on call every day! People who knew off this arrangement did find it odd, but thanks to the lack of initiative on our part and theirs we did nothing to change it. All said and done, it wasn't so bad. But being surrounded by patients all the time, being at work 24 hours, got to me sometimes. Like today, i am tired of being a doctor! i would like to be a normal person, who has no such responsibilities, and no one will suffer, (literally!) if i make a mistake. But then there are other times, when all is well, all the patients i see, are doing fine, happy with my care, on those days the level of satisfaction, is also immense. The pride i feel is great.

But this cant end, without me saying that, how much ever i crib, i love being a doctor. and i cant imagine being anything but that.

life and death, and me a bystander.

I know life and death are the two most natural processes, but living in a hospital, and witnessing it, at such regular intervals is tiring sometimes. At most times, I'm immune to it all ( I'm quite thick skinned, from the beginning), things rarely affect me as much. But every now and then, it reaches a breaking point, and then I start feeling and seeing things, more acutely, then I do normally. And I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired. And sometimes I feel sick, nauseated, at the sight of so much suffering, so much grief.

At the same time its also amazing to see, how life eventually goes on. Whatever the extent of the calamity, and however huge it may seem then, life goes on. People have an amazing capacity to move on, look forward, and go about their regular lives. I guess regularity and routine which seem so boring to us, on a daily basis, themselves become therapeutic, in difficult and trying times.

a realisation!

On rounds, on the the 19 th floor ICU with JD, i realised something the other day. This was standing amidst 5 other doctors, discussing a difficult case. surrounded by sophisticated equipment, ventilators and what not, I realised how much I enjoy being a doctor. Whether it's the boost my ego gets, the knowledge of knowing what I know, is not known by so many. Of knowing, that most people cant understand what we say, we jabber away in a language, which may as well be Greek or Latin to laymen,it may as well be Mandarin or Cantonese, when it is actually their life we're talking about! Doesn't this indicate flaws in my own character ? To enjoy this, doesn't it show me as a weak, insecure person? Why do we cherish this adulation? But i guess it just goes to show, just reiterate the same thing, that we as doctors are after all only human, more so than others.