the helplessness of my profession.

>The last two months of my residency have opened my eyes to a new reality. Something which so far i have fought and denied. That medicine as we know it today, is still, even after our so called progRESS, IN MANY instances , is stiLL HELPLESS. THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH WE CAN DO FOR A PATIENT. WE EITHER JUST PROLONG THEIR SUFFERING OR MAKE THEM SPEND THEIR LAST FEW DAYS IN THE HOSPITAL WHEN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN AT HOME. WE GIVE THEM HOPE WHEN THERE IS NONE. WE MAKE THEM HOPE FOR A CURE, WHICH DOES NOT EXIST. WE GIVE THEM A LIFE, BUT AT WHAT COST. AT A FINANCIAL BURDEN, EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL TRAUMA WHICH NOT ONLY THEY BUT THEIR FAMILIES MUST BEAR. AND AT THE END OF ALL THIS WE STILL GLORIFY IN OUR ROLES AS DOCTORS, AS HEALERS, IN OUR PROFOUND KNOWLEDGE, IN OUR EXCLUSIVE COMMUNITY, WHICH NO ONE CAN ENTER. BUT REALLY DO WE LIVE UPTO IT. ARE WE HEALING? ARE WE CURING? OR WE ARE COMING IN THE WAY OF A NATURAL PROCESS, WHICH IF ALLOWED TO CARRY ON UNHINDERED MAY JUST CONTINUE AND TURN OUT FOR THE BEST. MAYBE WE ARE INTERFERING IN WAYS WHICH DONT ALWAYS LEAD TO THE BEST RESULT. MAYBE INTERVENTION IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST ACTION. MAYBE WE NEED TO LEARN WHEN TO LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE. WHEN TO REALISE OUR INADEQUACIES AND LIMITATIONS, GRACEFULLY.

all things grey!

One thing i cant get over, is my fascination for all things grey. Not the colour literally, but the metaphoric meaning of it. In personalities of people especially. Whether its a movie or literary characters, i always enjoy them far more when they're not ALL good.

The reason this thought came to mind again is because I've been reading peter pan. And almost all the central characters have mixed shades in them. Except Wendy. She seems all nice. But that i feel reiterated what i have always believed in. No one, or almost no one ( the exceptions being few almost unreal people who are oh so nice and perrrfect) can be all good and nice, all the time. Everyone has some evil/ jealous/ wicked traits in them. Which emerge on certain occasions. Like we're all multi faceted, have multiple personalities, and they all rear their heads once in a while, but depending on which one is stronger, they may or may not manifest themselves.

I see myself struggling with mine ever so often. And i really have to fight on so many occasions, to keep the evil ones at bay. So i guess when i see so many similar examples around me in movies, books even, i feel reassures in a way. That i"m normal too. Or almost.

When Death gets objectified.

I realised this one morning, while taking rounds with my senior colleague. As we talked about all the patients, I realised he skipped one patient in the ICU. And when I asked him, I realised that he had passed away. Which for us was so normal, expected. And without a word we carried on with our rounds. Because after all its a daily affair for us. Death a normally taboo subject, is an objectified for us doctors. We no longer attach much emotion to this. Its like any other event of the day. Unless, we become very attached or have worked very hard to save that patient. But even then if it does affect us, we get over it soon enough. Its a defense mechanism really. And a good one too. Can you imagine,if we let this affect us, we would all be emotional wrecks. As it is suicide rate amongst doctors is very high. But rest assured, I have a barricade against this in my mind. Whether I call it being emotionally strong, or whether I am just plain cold hearted, is a matter of debate, one which I dont intend to get into.

tears to smile interval

I think I have shortest tears to smile interval. Its self explanatory really. I surprise myself sometimes. One moment I am crying my eyes out, and the next, before I know it, I'm smiling and laughing, and the adverse matter has been pushed behind in some remote recess of my mind. I wonder if its a good thing or a bad one? Am I just better at dealing with depression or am I running away from feelings, which will get to me eventually anyway?

I think its more of the former. It helps to forget, rather than dwell on the matter. It helps to be thick skinned. and it helps to be your own healing solution.

NO!!!

NO!!!

Thats as far as i can get to saying no, strongly and vehemently. Its a major drawback. I've gotten myself into many a mess, because of this inability to say no, at the right time and strongly enough.

Its an art, this saying no bit. It comes so easy to some people. So smoothly, they say it. Like its the most natural thing to say, No, you/ I can't do this. Its as if, by default the first answer to any question put to me is, YES, YES , YES...Always yes. And two minutes later, I immediately regret my answer. And then start analyzing and wondering how I can go back and politely say, what I should have in the first place, NO.

I guess it basically stems from this psychotic compulsion of trying to please everyone. Even people who don't matter to me. But ultimately, I am just deceiving them and myself too, by this futile exercise.

So henceforth, NO is the keyword, to being honest, even brutally so.

vanity

Is vanity a good thing or a bad one?

When I see a nice picture of mine, the satisfaction I gain, feels wrong sometimes. But at the same time it does add to my self esteem. It makes me feel good. I love thinking of my positive qualities. It sure beats the depression I tend to sink in, when I feel the opposite.

So considering the alternative, I think in this case, vanity may just save me from low self esteem!

Life in a hospital, my last one year.

Its been eleven months. Cant say they've passed by quickly, or too slowly either. Its been both tough and easy. I've learnt a lot of right, and wrong. But it was a novel experience, literally living IN a hospital 61/2 days of the week!

I remember at the beginning of the year nobody could digest the fact that i would be staying here all day, all night. It was a ridiculous schedule to begin with, being on call all the time. I would get so angry with he question, are you on call today? arre ha baba, i am on call every day! People who knew off this arrangement did find it odd, but thanks to the lack of initiative on our part and theirs we did nothing to change it. All said and done, it wasn't so bad. But being surrounded by patients all the time, being at work 24 hours, got to me sometimes. Like today, i am tired of being a doctor! i would like to be a normal person, who has no such responsibilities, and no one will suffer, (literally!) if i make a mistake. But then there are other times, when all is well, all the patients i see, are doing fine, happy with my care, on those days the level of satisfaction, is also immense. The pride i feel is great.

But this cant end, without me saying that, how much ever i crib, i love being a doctor. and i cant imagine being anything but that.