vanity

Is vanity a good thing or a bad one?

When I see a nice picture of mine, the satisfaction I gain, feels wrong sometimes. But at the same time it does add to my self esteem. It makes me feel good. I love thinking of my positive qualities. It sure beats the depression I tend to sink in, when I feel the opposite.

So considering the alternative, I think in this case, vanity may just save me from low self esteem!

Life in a hospital, my last one year.

Its been eleven months. Cant say they've passed by quickly, or too slowly either. Its been both tough and easy. I've learnt a lot of right, and wrong. But it was a novel experience, literally living IN a hospital 61/2 days of the week!

I remember at the beginning of the year nobody could digest the fact that i would be staying here all day, all night. It was a ridiculous schedule to begin with, being on call all the time. I would get so angry with he question, are you on call today? arre ha baba, i am on call every day! People who knew off this arrangement did find it odd, but thanks to the lack of initiative on our part and theirs we did nothing to change it. All said and done, it wasn't so bad. But being surrounded by patients all the time, being at work 24 hours, got to me sometimes. Like today, i am tired of being a doctor! i would like to be a normal person, who has no such responsibilities, and no one will suffer, (literally!) if i make a mistake. But then there are other times, when all is well, all the patients i see, are doing fine, happy with my care, on those days the level of satisfaction, is also immense. The pride i feel is great.

But this cant end, without me saying that, how much ever i crib, i love being a doctor. and i cant imagine being anything but that.

life and death, and me a bystander.

I know life and death are the two most natural processes, but living in a hospital, and witnessing it, at such regular intervals is tiring sometimes. At most times, I'm immune to it all ( I'm quite thick skinned, from the beginning), things rarely affect me as much. But every now and then, it reaches a breaking point, and then I start feeling and seeing things, more acutely, then I do normally. And I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired. And sometimes I feel sick, nauseated, at the sight of so much suffering, so much grief.

At the same time its also amazing to see, how life eventually goes on. Whatever the extent of the calamity, and however huge it may seem then, life goes on. People have an amazing capacity to move on, look forward, and go about their regular lives. I guess regularity and routine which seem so boring to us, on a daily basis, themselves become therapeutic, in difficult and trying times.

a realisation!

On rounds, on the the 19 th floor ICU with JD, i realised something the other day. This was standing amidst 5 other doctors, discussing a difficult case. surrounded by sophisticated equipment, ventilators and what not, I realised how much I enjoy being a doctor. Whether it's the boost my ego gets, the knowledge of knowing what I know, is not known by so many. Of knowing, that most people cant understand what we say, we jabber away in a language, which may as well be Greek or Latin to laymen,it may as well be Mandarin or Cantonese, when it is actually their life we're talking about! Doesn't this indicate flaws in my own character ? To enjoy this, doesn't it show me as a weak, insecure person? Why do we cherish this adulation? But i guess it just goes to show, just reiterate the same thing, that we as doctors are after all only human, more so than others.

Women's Day

A patient of mine wished me happy womens day. and along with them shared his views about how the sad he is, that our society isn't safe enough for our women. He talked about how he wishes that all young girls along with basic training of any sort would also be trained in self protection. Another interesting view of his was, the punishment which he deems fit for rapists. He thinks that those men who have raped, and it is proved beyond doubt, their penises should be cut off and with plastic surgery should be attached to their foreheads, so that the world is aware of their crimes. And that every where they go, they are shunned liked lepers and people would know of the crime they have committed and would beware of them.

Of course this is hoping for too much, but i definitely think that more stringent punishments are in order. Especially for sexual crimes against children. 10 years in prison is by no means enough. Anyone who can commit such a crime, definitely lacks human traits and should be trated not as a human but an animal, without compassion of any sort.

Grief, and how people handle it

I see the people waiting outside the ICU everyday. Relatives, mothers, daughters, wives, fathers and sons. My room being on the floor above the ICU, and adjacent to the relatives waiting room, one of the first things i see in the mornings sometimes is scenes of grief.I've almost developed a blind spot to that area, and i try my best not to look in that direction as i pass by. And i cant help but notice, how differently people handle grief.

Some people are composed. They try to be scientific about it and ask the doctor calculated questions.some people ask nothing and just listen to what the doctor is saying, not questioning his decisions. And then there are some people, who try their best to look grief stricken, appropriate to the situation, but their apparent sorrow doesn't reach their eyes. some resort to God, loudly and vocally. Some wallow in their own sorrow, silently without a word. Some blame others, looking for a outlet for their sorrow. Others accept the faith of their loved one.

But whatever the exterior emotions, only the person knows, what he truly is going through.

And I feel guilty sometimes in judging someone based on these superficial appearances.

Medicine: then and now

I am lucky enough to see a balance which is so so vital, for me to develop completely and to model myself as a good physician. There are few senior doctors who through their ethical and genuine practices have ensured that this balance remains.

It was one such physician who made me realise the differences in practicing today and 30 years ago.

Then physicians were demi gods, even if self proclaimed ones. They would the entire the premises of hospitals with ringing of bells and a hush would spread, with the word that the big boss has come. The relatives of patient dare not question or ask what the treatment was or why their patient was not doing well. Why the expenditure was so much, or why their patient had died. The doctors were doing them a favor by treating them at all. And asking them or to question their actions was a cardinal sin, which was unthinkable.

Whereas now, the scene is so different. Everyone these days is wary of doctors. Their actions are always under scrutinity. And he/she is just another person offering you a service that you are paying for, and as a consumer it is your right to know what exactly you are being offered and to take to court or to sue, if you are not satisfied.

I wonder which era I would have liked to practice in. The current one with all our comforts and ease of diagnosis and treatment. Or the bygone days of ignorance and clinical tools being our only guide, and scarcity of treatment options.

Its something I can only ponder on.