Grief, and how people handle it

I see the people waiting outside the ICU everyday. Relatives, mothers, daughters, wives, fathers and sons. My room being on the floor above the ICU, and adjacent to the relatives waiting room, one of the first things i see in the mornings sometimes is scenes of grief.I've almost developed a blind spot to that area, and i try my best not to look in that direction as i pass by. And i cant help but notice, how differently people handle grief.

Some people are composed. They try to be scientific about it and ask the doctor calculated questions.some people ask nothing and just listen to what the doctor is saying, not questioning his decisions. And then there are some people, who try their best to look grief stricken, appropriate to the situation, but their apparent sorrow doesn't reach their eyes. some resort to God, loudly and vocally. Some wallow in their own sorrow, silently without a word. Some blame others, looking for a outlet for their sorrow. Others accept the faith of their loved one.

But whatever the exterior emotions, only the person knows, what he truly is going through.

And I feel guilty sometimes in judging someone based on these superficial appearances.

Medicine: then and now

I am lucky enough to see a balance which is so so vital, for me to develop completely and to model myself as a good physician. There are few senior doctors who through their ethical and genuine practices have ensured that this balance remains.

It was one such physician who made me realise the differences in practicing today and 30 years ago.

Then physicians were demi gods, even if self proclaimed ones. They would the entire the premises of hospitals with ringing of bells and a hush would spread, with the word that the big boss has come. The relatives of patient dare not question or ask what the treatment was or why their patient was not doing well. Why the expenditure was so much, or why their patient had died. The doctors were doing them a favor by treating them at all. And asking them or to question their actions was a cardinal sin, which was unthinkable.

Whereas now, the scene is so different. Everyone these days is wary of doctors. Their actions are always under scrutinity. And he/she is just another person offering you a service that you are paying for, and as a consumer it is your right to know what exactly you are being offered and to take to court or to sue, if you are not satisfied.

I wonder which era I would have liked to practice in. The current one with all our comforts and ease of diagnosis and treatment. Or the bygone days of ignorance and clinical tools being our only guide, and scarcity of treatment options.

Its something I can only ponder on.

Chronicles of my Residency!

My Residency:

It began 5 1/2 months ago, and has already been an extremely dynamic process. A process of evolution, for me, of my my perception of this world in general. From being a "headless chicken" I've become somewhat surer of myself.

This blog, will be an effort to put into words, all the million of thoughts that buzz around in my head the entire day. All the observations i make, that amuse me, horrify me, amaze me, teach me and humble me. Living in an hospital, i am constantly surrounded by a cacophony of emotions, a variety of people and their behaviour, which constantly makes me wonder at human behaviour. The primary aim of this blog is therapeutic, for me of course.

A little spittle.

Take a walk,
climb down the staircase
of your building, along walls,
on the foot path,
at signals, everywhere i go.
I cant miss it.
Red colored designs,
like spider webs of an eerie kind..
Spit spit,
spat spat,
they go on making these
sounds.
Emptying their throats,
with all their might.
Their secretions,
they just cant fight.
So out they come,
on the road,
and onto your street,
just narrowly missing
your feet.
Cringe as you might,
make faces if you wish,
wonder at our hygiene?
But what can we do?
except stare and fret,
put up our hands,
shake our heads with regret,
its something we just dont understand,
Indians and their
overactive salivary glands.

learning to lose yourself.

I have realized that i tire of people easily. And its not only other people but also myself.Yes after all we are around ourselves 24*7. I picked up this thought from a movie i was watching yesterday, Before sunrise. The guy Jesse has this theory about how some of the things we enjoy most in life, are experiences in which we lose ourselves. Like drinking, dreaming, for some even reading a really good book, watching a captivating movie. And even falling in love. Because its only when we truly lose ourselves to something, that we can truly appreciate what is before us. Or else the selfish creatures that we are, till then its only about us.

the luxury of nothingness!

So i'm finally free! After almost a year of looking forward to this, when now i've finally got my "free time", it does feel like an anticlimax..I think too much of anticipating anything, always tends to make you feel a little disappointed in the end.But why am i forming so many opinions,when its barely been a few days.But as of now, i'm just enjoying my time doing absolutely nothing.I've put all my plans on hold.My plans of shopping,getting a new haircut, a new wardrobe,a new ME!!! It can all wait.Meanwhile i'm enjoying this absolute nothingness.Where one day leads to another so easily, so effortlessly.Yes its definitely a luxury.Because sooner than later, I'll have to get back to the grind.Till then this luxury is mine to enjoy and cherish. And i'm making the most of it!

whirlpool