Dreamworld

My dreams are a mystery,
A parallel reality,
A world of unknown,
And still one I own.

Sand slips through my fingers,
Like haunted thoughts they often linger,
Coercing me to face,
Feelings I'd rather erase.

People and places,
So many faces,
I thought I'd forgotten, 
Like a maze they're caught in.

And then as I awake,
I don't know which is fake,
What I left behind,
Or what I see ahead.

Irani chai

The checkered tables
And the wooden chairs
The constant chatter
And the ringing bell.
The old man at the counter 
He wishes u well.
As you saunter in,
And find your place,
The smell of buroon pav
Hits your face.
As you sip on the sweet milky delight
 a multitude of  your fantasies
Soon take flight.
The maska pav, the kheema gotala,
The  spicy Bhurji and egg fry
Yes they all go
Splendidly well with
A cup of irani chai!

unfulfilled love

What is with the lure and attraction of unfulfilled love? What is it that makes attraction which is not defined more exciting? Why is it more romantic and meaningful when the lovers don't express their feelings, maybe one of them isn't even aware of it, but it still comes across. But yes, at least i do find it very romantic. It makes me think that i am a romantic of the worst kind. To admire something that is actually detrimental to anyone's happiness.

And all this I get from watching the chemistry between Dr.Temperance Brennan and Agent Seeley Booth of Bones. How corny do I sound?

clonal community!

As I see the members of the community to which I belong by birth, I cannot help but wonder how and why would they all want to look like clones. They all look exactly the same, talk the same and even appear to think the same. What is it in this herd mentality that gives them so much immense satisfaction and sense of security? Whereas most of us try to carve our niche in this world by trying to do something different, there is some kind of primal instinct to be just exactly like the next man. And the leadership of this community has hit upon this brilliant idea of sanctioning this very same idea, so that these people have the full go ahead to be each others clones. And they become more and more abundant, to the extent that now I literally cant distinguish one person from another.As most people of the world move forward, in their ways of thinking, living and behaving, these people seem to be moving backward in time. In ideas which are more and more regressive. Though outwardly, most members are educated, accomplished, but somehow they all seem to subscribe to this line of thinking. More than anything i find it amazing, how so many people have been so blinded by "faith", that they have voluntarily and happily changed their entire lifestyle, because ONE person says so. It truly is an amazing feat.

the brain and all its mystery!

My 5th term as a medicine resident, and my neurology rotation. Eager and excited i began two months ago, hoping to finally solve some of the mysteries that have so far always eluded me. But as i understand more, i also realise ,just how much we still dont know. The human brain is probably the most intricately designed circuit of all time! And the more we image , the more we biopsy, the more we study, we still so very often draw a blank, at what it is that has actually gone wrong.
And besides the neuropsychiatry component can never be ignored. A patient so often confuses you, and the most important, is to distinguish whether the complaints are organic or functional. Or simply put , whether his brain is conjuring them up or he actually has a disease to go with them.
The importance to be patient, understanding has never been more strongly impressed upon me. An important part of a neurological examination is history taking. A good detailed history, can be extremely helpful, and many a time extremely misleading. But that is where our skill as doctors comes into play, to separate and sieve through the mishmash of symptoms presented to us and figure what may be relevant and what may not.
And so as i learn and understand more, i also realise just how much i dont know.

Reason: A prayer

I vow today, never to accept any fact, opinion or thought without reason. Never to believe without questioning. Never to understand without asking why. I vow to always be true to reason. Always to give a thought, and figure it out myself, why this must be so. To adopt a more scientific approach to life and all its dealings. And I know that this in itself will be my big contribution to society. By not being another unthinking face in the crowd. Adopting the majority vote. Not believing or even imagining that there can be another way! A solution out of the ordinary. I will escape from all that is mundane, and strive to be extraordinary. To NOT fit in. To not mould myself into the existing forms, but find a new, individual one, that suits me. I will not be sorry for my strikingly different thoughts. I will stand by myself, even if no one else will. I will be who I am, and to do this I will accept myself, for myself.

dignity in death

Working in the ICU since a month now, and because where I work is a tertiary care center and we have a lot of referrals from other centers throughout the country and even outside. So we see a lot of patients in a terminally ill condition whose every bodily function is at the mercy of some machine, drug or intervention. They have a tube sticking into every orifice, every accessible vein punctured, and everything but their soul, laid bare for everyone to see, scrutinize, analyze, assess, monitor. We rack our brains and try to think of where the mystery lies, refusing to give up, or god forbid, should death and disease have their way. We refuse to accept defeat from these worthy adversaries. We refuse to believe that the medical advancements of our age are inadequate. And so on and so forth, we go on until sometimes there is no semblance of a human being, a dignified one, left. So I ask myself, have we robbed that patient of his chance of a dignified death? Would I, in my final hours, want to be laid bare like that? Would I want death to be a struggle till the end? Would I rather not pass on from life to death in a much more peaceful manner? Can we not draw a line where we should stop fighting? Its not about giving up. Its about accepting a natural force, which, try as we might, is STILL beyond our control.

Lessons to remember

1) never ASSUME anything
2)never take a patients symptoms lightly.

normalisation of my life.

so today i've had a regular day. 8 to 5, came from home, going home. then plans for a movie. listening to radio, and writing my blog on my way in the bus. will sleep in my own bed. and will repeat the same routine tomorrow. yea!!!!!! life is good! 

the helplessness of my profession.

>The last two months of my residency have opened my eyes to a new reality. Something which so far i have fought and denied. That medicine as we know it today, is still, even after our so called progRESS, IN MANY instances , is stiLL HELPLESS. THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH WE CAN DO FOR A PATIENT. WE EITHER JUST PROLONG THEIR SUFFERING OR MAKE THEM SPEND THEIR LAST FEW DAYS IN THE HOSPITAL WHEN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN AT HOME. WE GIVE THEM HOPE WHEN THERE IS NONE. WE MAKE THEM HOPE FOR A CURE, WHICH DOES NOT EXIST. WE GIVE THEM A LIFE, BUT AT WHAT COST. AT A FINANCIAL BURDEN, EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL TRAUMA WHICH NOT ONLY THEY BUT THEIR FAMILIES MUST BEAR. AND AT THE END OF ALL THIS WE STILL GLORIFY IN OUR ROLES AS DOCTORS, AS HEALERS, IN OUR PROFOUND KNOWLEDGE, IN OUR EXCLUSIVE COMMUNITY, WHICH NO ONE CAN ENTER. BUT REALLY DO WE LIVE UPTO IT. ARE WE HEALING? ARE WE CURING? OR WE ARE COMING IN THE WAY OF A NATURAL PROCESS, WHICH IF ALLOWED TO CARRY ON UNHINDERED MAY JUST CONTINUE AND TURN OUT FOR THE BEST. MAYBE WE ARE INTERFERING IN WAYS WHICH DONT ALWAYS LEAD TO THE BEST RESULT. MAYBE INTERVENTION IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST ACTION. MAYBE WE NEED TO LEARN WHEN TO LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE. WHEN TO REALISE OUR INADEQUACIES AND LIMITATIONS, GRACEFULLY.

all things grey!

One thing i cant get over, is my fascination for all things grey. Not the colour literally, but the metaphoric meaning of it. In personalities of people especially. Whether its a movie or literary characters, i always enjoy them far more when they're not ALL good.

The reason this thought came to mind again is because I've been reading peter pan. And almost all the central characters have mixed shades in them. Except Wendy. She seems all nice. But that i feel reiterated what i have always believed in. No one, or almost no one ( the exceptions being few almost unreal people who are oh so nice and perrrfect) can be all good and nice, all the time. Everyone has some evil/ jealous/ wicked traits in them. Which emerge on certain occasions. Like we're all multi faceted, have multiple personalities, and they all rear their heads once in a while, but depending on which one is stronger, they may or may not manifest themselves.

I see myself struggling with mine ever so often. And i really have to fight on so many occasions, to keep the evil ones at bay. So i guess when i see so many similar examples around me in movies, books even, i feel reassures in a way. That i"m normal too. Or almost.

When Death gets objectified.

I realised this one morning, while taking rounds with my senior colleague. As we talked about all the patients, I realised he skipped one patient in the ICU. And when I asked him, I realised that he had passed away. Which for us was so normal, expected. And without a word we carried on with our rounds. Because after all its a daily affair for us. Death a normally taboo subject, is an objectified for us doctors. We no longer attach much emotion to this. Its like any other event of the day. Unless, we become very attached or have worked very hard to save that patient. But even then if it does affect us, we get over it soon enough. Its a defense mechanism really. And a good one too. Can you imagine,if we let this affect us, we would all be emotional wrecks. As it is suicide rate amongst doctors is very high. But rest assured, I have a barricade against this in my mind. Whether I call it being emotionally strong, or whether I am just plain cold hearted, is a matter of debate, one which I dont intend to get into.

tears to smile interval

I think I have shortest tears to smile interval. Its self explanatory really. I surprise myself sometimes. One moment I am crying my eyes out, and the next, before I know it, I'm smiling and laughing, and the adverse matter has been pushed behind in some remote recess of my mind. I wonder if its a good thing or a bad one? Am I just better at dealing with depression or am I running away from feelings, which will get to me eventually anyway?

I think its more of the former. It helps to forget, rather than dwell on the matter. It helps to be thick skinned. and it helps to be your own healing solution.

NO!!!

NO!!!

Thats as far as i can get to saying no, strongly and vehemently. Its a major drawback. I've gotten myself into many a mess, because of this inability to say no, at the right time and strongly enough.

Its an art, this saying no bit. It comes so easy to some people. So smoothly, they say it. Like its the most natural thing to say, No, you/ I can't do this. Its as if, by default the first answer to any question put to me is, YES, YES , YES...Always yes. And two minutes later, I immediately regret my answer. And then start analyzing and wondering how I can go back and politely say, what I should have in the first place, NO.

I guess it basically stems from this psychotic compulsion of trying to please everyone. Even people who don't matter to me. But ultimately, I am just deceiving them and myself too, by this futile exercise.

So henceforth, NO is the keyword, to being honest, even brutally so.

vanity

Is vanity a good thing or a bad one?

When I see a nice picture of mine, the satisfaction I gain, feels wrong sometimes. But at the same time it does add to my self esteem. It makes me feel good. I love thinking of my positive qualities. It sure beats the depression I tend to sink in, when I feel the opposite.

So considering the alternative, I think in this case, vanity may just save me from low self esteem!

Life in a hospital, my last one year.

Its been eleven months. Cant say they've passed by quickly, or too slowly either. Its been both tough and easy. I've learnt a lot of right, and wrong. But it was a novel experience, literally living IN a hospital 61/2 days of the week!

I remember at the beginning of the year nobody could digest the fact that i would be staying here all day, all night. It was a ridiculous schedule to begin with, being on call all the time. I would get so angry with he question, are you on call today? arre ha baba, i am on call every day! People who knew off this arrangement did find it odd, but thanks to the lack of initiative on our part and theirs we did nothing to change it. All said and done, it wasn't so bad. But being surrounded by patients all the time, being at work 24 hours, got to me sometimes. Like today, i am tired of being a doctor! i would like to be a normal person, who has no such responsibilities, and no one will suffer, (literally!) if i make a mistake. But then there are other times, when all is well, all the patients i see, are doing fine, happy with my care, on those days the level of satisfaction, is also immense. The pride i feel is great.

But this cant end, without me saying that, how much ever i crib, i love being a doctor. and i cant imagine being anything but that.

life and death, and me a bystander.

I know life and death are the two most natural processes, but living in a hospital, and witnessing it, at such regular intervals is tiring sometimes. At most times, I'm immune to it all ( I'm quite thick skinned, from the beginning), things rarely affect me as much. But every now and then, it reaches a breaking point, and then I start feeling and seeing things, more acutely, then I do normally. And I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired. And sometimes I feel sick, nauseated, at the sight of so much suffering, so much grief.

At the same time its also amazing to see, how life eventually goes on. Whatever the extent of the calamity, and however huge it may seem then, life goes on. People have an amazing capacity to move on, look forward, and go about their regular lives. I guess regularity and routine which seem so boring to us, on a daily basis, themselves become therapeutic, in difficult and trying times.

a realisation!

On rounds, on the the 19 th floor ICU with JD, i realised something the other day. This was standing amidst 5 other doctors, discussing a difficult case. surrounded by sophisticated equipment, ventilators and what not, I realised how much I enjoy being a doctor. Whether it's the boost my ego gets, the knowledge of knowing what I know, is not known by so many. Of knowing, that most people cant understand what we say, we jabber away in a language, which may as well be Greek or Latin to laymen,it may as well be Mandarin or Cantonese, when it is actually their life we're talking about! Doesn't this indicate flaws in my own character ? To enjoy this, doesn't it show me as a weak, insecure person? Why do we cherish this adulation? But i guess it just goes to show, just reiterate the same thing, that we as doctors are after all only human, more so than others.

Women's Day

A patient of mine wished me happy womens day. and along with them shared his views about how the sad he is, that our society isn't safe enough for our women. He talked about how he wishes that all young girls along with basic training of any sort would also be trained in self protection. Another interesting view of his was, the punishment which he deems fit for rapists. He thinks that those men who have raped, and it is proved beyond doubt, their penises should be cut off and with plastic surgery should be attached to their foreheads, so that the world is aware of their crimes. And that every where they go, they are shunned liked lepers and people would know of the crime they have committed and would beware of them.

Of course this is hoping for too much, but i definitely think that more stringent punishments are in order. Especially for sexual crimes against children. 10 years in prison is by no means enough. Anyone who can commit such a crime, definitely lacks human traits and should be trated not as a human but an animal, without compassion of any sort.