When Death gets objectified.

I realised this one morning, while taking rounds with my senior colleague. As we talked about all the patients, I realised he skipped one patient in the ICU. And when I asked him, I realised that he had passed away. Which for us was so normal, expected. And without a word we carried on with our rounds. Because after all its a daily affair for us. Death a normally taboo subject, is an objectified for us doctors. We no longer attach much emotion to this. Its like any other event of the day. Unless, we become very attached or have worked very hard to save that patient. But even then if it does affect us, we get over it soon enough. Its a defense mechanism really. And a good one too. Can you imagine,if we let this affect us, we would all be emotional wrecks. As it is suicide rate amongst doctors is very high. But rest assured, I have a barricade against this in my mind. Whether I call it being emotionally strong, or whether I am just plain cold hearted, is a matter of debate, one which I dont intend to get into.

tears to smile interval

I think I have shortest tears to smile interval. Its self explanatory really. I surprise myself sometimes. One moment I am crying my eyes out, and the next, before I know it, I'm smiling and laughing, and the adverse matter has been pushed behind in some remote recess of my mind. I wonder if its a good thing or a bad one? Am I just better at dealing with depression or am I running away from feelings, which will get to me eventually anyway?

I think its more of the former. It helps to forget, rather than dwell on the matter. It helps to be thick skinned. and it helps to be your own healing solution.

NO!!!

NO!!!

Thats as far as i can get to saying no, strongly and vehemently. Its a major drawback. I've gotten myself into many a mess, because of this inability to say no, at the right time and strongly enough.

Its an art, this saying no bit. It comes so easy to some people. So smoothly, they say it. Like its the most natural thing to say, No, you/ I can't do this. Its as if, by default the first answer to any question put to me is, YES, YES , YES...Always yes. And two minutes later, I immediately regret my answer. And then start analyzing and wondering how I can go back and politely say, what I should have in the first place, NO.

I guess it basically stems from this psychotic compulsion of trying to please everyone. Even people who don't matter to me. But ultimately, I am just deceiving them and myself too, by this futile exercise.

So henceforth, NO is the keyword, to being honest, even brutally so.

vanity

Is vanity a good thing or a bad one?

When I see a nice picture of mine, the satisfaction I gain, feels wrong sometimes. But at the same time it does add to my self esteem. It makes me feel good. I love thinking of my positive qualities. It sure beats the depression I tend to sink in, when I feel the opposite.

So considering the alternative, I think in this case, vanity may just save me from low self esteem!